1 . Studying is my drug.
But thank god I say no to drugs.
2.It’s a sad day today, my ex got ran over by a bus.
Also, I lost my job as a bus driver.
3. I wanted to travel around the world, be a poet, have a good social status, call my work ‘art’ and get paid for that.
So I joined an NGO.
4. Steve Jobs would’ve been a better president than Trump.
But comparing apples to oranges is not fair.
5. There’s a major flaw in iPhone X !
How two faced people gonna unlock it ?
6. I’m not quiet,
I hate talking to you.
7. A big Shoutout to my high school teacher who said I’d reach nowhere in Life.
You were right.
8. Am I prefect ? No.
But Am I striving to be a better person every day ?
9. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters, they don’t know either…
10. Alcohol doesn’t make you fat, it makes you lean….
Against table, chairs, walls and pretty girls.
11. When a short person smokes weed,
does he become high or medium ?
12. When a girl doesn’t reply to your text, don’t feel bad.
You just made her speechless.
13. Death is more productive than most people I’ve worked with.
14. I used to cry a lot when my dad chopped onions.
Onions was my favorite dog.
15. Who do religious places do not have WiFi?
They don’t want to compete against an invisible power that actually works.
16. Another disheartening news for the music industry,
Justin Bieber was found alive in his Apartment today morning.
17. Son – How do stars die ?
Dad – Mostly drug abuse, son.
18. I’ve an exam tomorrow.
Suggest some good movies.
19. Why is a person considered a stalker if they’re unattractive,
but a secret admirer if they are attractive ?
20. I think my girlfriend is leaving me because I’m too insecure.
Oh wait, she is back, she just went to the washroom.
21. Pay tax on the income you earn, pay tax when you spend the already taxed money you have,
then pay taxes on the remaining balance as well.
22. Life is too short. Never pass up the opportunity to make someone smile,
or to tell someone how stupid they’re.
23. I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car.
I opened the door and pushed her out.
24. Professor : Wake that guy up sleeping right next to you.
Student : You wake him up, you put him to sleep.
25. I just bought a thesaurus, and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
26. Pro life tip :
Hangout with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
27. It’s “Mother’s day” not “mothers day”.
Don’t let grammar question your dad’s morals.
28. It’s not about how much you flaunt those selfies with your mom on mother’s day.
It’s about how you treat her the remaining 364 days.
29. People who say earth is flat,
why don’t you prove it by walking off its edge ?
30. People be like, I’m single because I’m a nice guy.
Well son, there is a difference between being a nice guy and being a doormat.
31. According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh,
You’ll hear, ‘What the f*ck are you doing! ?’
32. 9 out of 10 guys like girls in mini skirts,
the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.
33. “I can’t do it, it’s against my religion”, is religious freedom.
“You cant do it, it’s against my religion” is as*holery.
34. If James Bond is the most famous spy,
doesn’t that make him the worst spy ?
35. Joker : You wanna know how I got these scars?
Mom : Because you’re always on your phone.
36. Stop fighting about who created the world.
Start fighting against the people destroying it.
37. Shoutout to my High School teacher who said I’d achieve nothing in life.
He was right.
38. UN elects Saudi Arabia to women’s right commission for 2018-2022.
I’m planning to buy a shark to protect my gold fish.
39. I don’t go out because I have no friends.
I have no friends because I don’t go out.
40. Sleeping 8 hours a day sounds completely normal,
but sleeping 20 years throughout your life sounds weird.
41. When people say ‘Expect the unexpected’,
Count till 10 in front of them,
And throw a punch at 7, I bet they didn’t expect that.
42. If you play a One direction song backwards,
you’ll hear sounds from the devil Even worse if you play it forwards,
you’ll hear one direction
43. I may be ugly and poor,
but somewhere deep inside me,
if you look closely you will realise I don’t have a good heart either.
44. War is where the young and stupid are tricked by the old and bitter into killing each other.
45. Today I’ve been officially 23 years clean off cigarettes.
The trick is, I never started smoking in the first place.
46. Atheism and religion are two sides of the same coin.
One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
47. Today I learned, Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
Honestly, I also can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
48. Zombies are just dead things that eat people,
and humans are just people that eat dead things.
49. I got in touch with my inner self today.
Never buying cheap toilet paper again.
50. Kids wanna be teenagers, adults wanna be teenagers again.
Everybody wants to be a teenager, except teenagers.